Wednesday, October 8, 2008
A vida feliz
Tonight I feel so happy. It is a result of having a moment to myself tonight to reflect on the 25 years of life that I've lived, and in particlular, the last almost 3 years that I have been a mother. As a child, I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother, so much so that when I got a little older I remember including my future husband in my prayers... that he was trying to live a good life in hopes of meeting me, like I was for him. I dreamed of my children that would one day be mine... I didn't know what they'd look like or be like, but I knew that it didn't really matter, I would love them. I didn't plan on having a critically ill baby, spending months in the hospital, or the pain of watching her suffer, but life never ends up just like we planned it to. And that is okay. Those four little words have taken me awhile to say and then to really believe them. It's okay because, although it's not what I'd planned, it's not bad, just different. There is so much good in my life, and I will choose to focus on that. I just had to put Bela's tube back in because she pulled it out, check it for correct placement, restart her feeding pump, mix milk for her night feeds, and give her 4 meds. And then I just got to stare at her for awhile, kiss her sweet head, and marvel at how blessed I am that she is mine. Everynight before I go to bed I like to go into my kids rooms and just watch them sleep for awhile. Most nights it is an incredibly powerful moment for me. It is usually then that I realize that I am living my dream... how lucky am I? My husband is more than I ever dreamed he would be. I think sometimes I take for granted what we have.. we are two people who complete eachother perfectly. He has been my strength.. I am thankful tonight for him. I am thankful that I have a beautiful son and a beautiful daughter. I am thankful that Bela is here with me. It's hard to put into words what it feels like when I look into her crib and see her smiling up at me when there was a time I didn't know if I'd ever get that moment. For that reason, every moment becomes so special, and it makes life incredibly sweet. Without all that has happened, I'm not sure I would understand that as well as I do, or stop to think about it as much as I do. I don't think I'd take the time as much to treasure the simplest things in life that are the most important and precious. Watching Benson and Bela play together the last few days has been one of those precious moments for me. Benson is starting to let himself get attached to his sister, and she is quickly becoming his best friend. Bela is doing wonderful, she is eating better, sleeping better, and most importantly, she is feeling better. I am enjoying her so much and feel like we are finally just starting to get to know eachother. I have longed for this day to come, and I really believe the worst is all behind us and the best is yet to come!
Playing together.. Benson is sharing his most favorite things with her, but... I'm not sure she thinks they're as cool as he does..