2012....

I feel a little bit like I did before Bela was born...waiting and anticipating something that scares the heck out of me. I've know that 2012 means Bela's 3rd surgery. It has been nice to have this break, but now it's time (sigh). Bela goes in tomorrow for her pre-fontan cath. It's her 4th cath, but it never gets easier for me. Hopefully it'll be quick and easy and they'll get a really good idea of what they'll need to do during surgery.

I'm not sure what is going on but Bela hasn't been herself the last few weeks and anyone that knows her can see it. We took her in a couple weeks ago and she had an echo that looked normal and drew labs that also all came back normal, but... She is much more tired and lacks the desire to do much of anything besides read or watch movies. If we go on an errand or go outside she lasts a few minutes and then asks to go back home. So we havn't been doing too much lately. I'm not sure if she just keeps getting sick back to back (she is constantly snotty) or maybe she just needs the surgery. I'm hopeful that the Fontan will at least make her feel a little better? I always wish I could take her load for her sometimes, or just for a few moments feel how she feels, so I knew what it was like. I wish I could let her have my whole, perfect heart from time to time so she could go outside and run around and keep up with her friends.

Lately I feel kinda stuck in my own life.. I feel paralyzed sometimes by my worries. I don't really know how to describe it, but when she's struggling, or when I think too much about her surgery I just sorta function at half speed. I need the strength I get from getting on my knees frequently.

So 2012.... here we go. Please be good to my baby girl...



Comments

Baby Oven said…
Avery, I am so sorry that you are going through this terror again. I wish I could do more for you but for now I will keep you in my prayers. Love you!
January 9, 2012 at 12:04 PM
The Simmons Family said…
She loooks so beautiful in that photo!! I know exactly how you are feeling.. it's so hard to convey in words.. but I feel it too.

Bela is in our prayers tomorrow. Owen has his cath on Feb 8th at Stanford and I am a wreck about it. I am usually good at holding it together.

On a sidenote.. we are looking to buy a house around your area in Morrison Ranch in the next year. Kam is going to go to Highland Jr High in the fall.

Enough of my chatter. Thinking of you tomorrow.. keep us posted.
January 9, 2012 at 1:05 PM
The Smith's said…
I so resonate with your post, Avery! Luke's fifth birthday is today and I find myself feeling very heavy ... for what he's endured and what is to come. You said it beautifully. And Bela is so grown-up and beautiful!
January 9, 2012 at 2:15 PM
Wodzisz Family said…
I know so well how you are feeling. I wish I could trade hearts with Hope and let her enjoy my whole heart. We don't know for sure when she will have her Fontan...probably the summer of 2013, but I think about it a lot. The worry overtakes me sometimes and I truly wish it didn't.

I will be praying for Bella and also for peace of mind for you.
January 9, 2012 at 2:19 PM
Angie Milne said…
Oh how I love that sweet bela. Praying hard for her! She has such strength and determination in that little body, I just know she'll do great tomorrow. She sure is one amazing little girl. Love you, and can't wait to see you all safe at home :) please let us know if you need anything.
January 9, 2012 at 8:30 PM
Branton Family said…
Thinking of you this morning. Zach is ready for his next surgery in April/May...here we go again! Wish we could be next door. ;)
January 10, 2012 at 5:51 AM
LaurenWoff said…
We love you Bela!!!!
January 10, 2012 at 5:59 AM
Auburn said…
Oh Avery - This post is killing me. What a sweet, spunky little gal that Bela is. I hope, hope, hope that everything is going well today, and I hope that this year is good to Bela too. I can't imagine the pain you feel. Sometimes I wish I could take it away from YOU for a bit, or just feel how you feel, so I could sympathize better with you. :o(
January 10, 2012 at 1:33 PM
Victoria said…
You are such a good mom, Avery. I can't imagine how painful it must be to see that not all is well with Bela. I have thought so many times that Heavenly Father has entrusted you with someone REALLY special, and that you are one of the few women I know who are up to that responsibility. Keep the faith. Try not to worry about what you can't fix. I wish there was some way I could help you!
January 10, 2012 at 11:34 PM
Nicole said…
Bela has grown into such a beauty. I still remember that first night up in the CTICU... she was so little and precious. Sad I wasn't able to see you all. Bela is in good hands. We will take care of her. I'm sorry you have to stress and worry so much. I can't even imagine how hard that is. Just know that you have a lot of people praying for and thinking about your adorable family.
January 11, 2012 at 12:51 PM
Evie's Story said…
What a stunning picture of your little warrior princess. We heart moms get that "lump in your throat" feeling of not being able to fix it for them! Prayers for you and beautiful bela!
January 11, 2012 at 7:24 PM
The Joslyn Family said…
Ave- I'm so sorry to hear that your sweet little Bela is not feeling well. We will be praying for all of you.
January 14, 2012 at 4:49 PM
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