thoughts...

I was just about to go to bed (early for once) but I need to write some things down.. if only for me. I'm not good at documenting life, and I know I'll regret it when this busy stage of life with my babies is over. I'm going to try to be better about getting things down because I have the WORST memory. Really, I do.

There's been times in my life that I would've been glad to press fast forward during, to get through them faster, but RIGHT NOW (and I say that in uppercase because that's how fast things have been changing with Bela) things are SO perfect. I wish I could freeze my kids, just how they are. A 6 year old boy that is old enough to be helpful and have great conversations with, but still little enough to want to cuddle and get read to and want a hug when he's hurt. An almost 4 year old who at the moment has lots of energy, thinks the word 'poopy' is so funny that she uses it every other word, and loves to dance and sing. A 1 year old that seriously makes my heart melt, loves to be held, and is so determined to get walking mastered.

I was at the park saturday with Bela and Ruthie and a girl was there with her one baby about Ruthie's age and asked me how it's been with a second. I told her she was my third and she couldn't believe I had three, then couldn't believe my oldest was 6. (I can't either really). She asked me how old Bela was and I said 4 this month, and of course she said she's so tiny, so I explained that she has a heart defect and she'd had two open heart surgeries. She started to cry and it almost took me off guard. It's become so 'normal' to me. She mentioned they had waited so long to have kids that they still think it's hard just to have to get up on the weekends and not sleep in, she couldn't imagine having health issues on top of it....and I was so young! It made me think a lot that day about the course my life has taken. I was a first time mom at 21. Still growing up myself. Having kids young forces you to grow up in a way and for me it's been a good thing. There's still so much I need to change about myself and having little people around you that look to you for everything makes my desire to be better stronger....necessary. It's been wonderful for me.

I want to remember it all. I want THEM to know how much they mean to me, how much I enjoy being their mommy. How I feel RIGHT now. (In case tomorrow is one of those day I'd rather not remember..:))

Dear Benson,

6 is so fun. You are amazing-- you love to be the big brother and are so sweet to your sisters. You let Bela know that 'we don't say poopy' many times a day. For whatever reason, you would never dream of saying a 'naughty' word. You have just been sweet and obedient from day one. You want to do what's right and like to make others happy. You are still so shy. Your teacher says you are very quiet in class and your strength is art. You love to draw, and are starting to really like to write. You're reading simple books and it makes you so proud. You still like to be just like daddy and dress like him and do the things he does. You love Star Wars and motorcycles. You asks lots of questions and keep asking them if you aren't satisfied with the answer I give you. I've learned that it's just better to take the time to answer you the right way the first time. You like to play outside, and never want to come in. You don't like to run errands or go to stores... ever. You like to come in and sleep with me after daddy leaves early in the morning. I LOVE it. I think it's been an entire year since you've been sick. You're like the energizer bunny, you never stop moving, thinking, talking, playing. I love watching your mind work, it's like you have too much in there sometimes to get it in words fast enough. I love our talks at night, after the girls are in bed I lay with you in yours and we talk about the day. You start talking and don't stop until I finally say it's time for bed. I think it's also your way of pushing off bed time, and I think you think you're being tricky, but I know exactly what you're doing...:) I just enjoying it to much to let it bother me..Most nights.

Dear Bela,

It's hard to believe you're almost 4. Look at what you've been through in 4 little years! I still think you've got an old soul in your tiny body. Last time you got your monthly blood draw it was as if you'd grown up 10 years. Instead of crying, you took a deep breath, buried your head in my chest, and stuck out your arm and tried to be so brave. I was amazed by you. I didn't know whether to be happy or extremely sad. Either way, I am so proud of you. You've had a rough few months. For some reason you lost that light in your eyes and that spunky personality for a couple months. That Bela was just gone, replaced by a sad, tired, dead eyes Bela. I HATED it. Every day it went on was torture. I didn't know what happened, we ran tests, did echo's.. everything came back normal, but something was wrong. At your cath a month ago they drew some labs and your thyroid came back out of whack. So we started playing with your dose and cut way back. We also felt very strongly that your tube needed to go back in. Right after you got your tube back in you got an ear infection, so you got more antibiotics. Finally though, you are back. Your thyroid is in balance and your getting great nutrition again and you are back, and I can't tell you how wonderful it is. The last 10 days you have wanted to go outside, eat, play with friends, dance with me... all the things you love to do but didn't feel up to doing. Currently you think saying 'no' and 'poopy' 100 times a day is hilarious. You can already sing the entire new primary song for the year and you've only been to primary 3 times. You get to say the prayer in primary next week and I can't wait. You are a pro at dr. visits, and usually tell them what to do next. You're up a pound and a half since you got your tube back in! You weren't sure about having it in again at first, but now you say 'time for my tubie feed!' when you see me coming with the syringe. Surgery is coming up, and yes, I am scared to death, but YOU are strong, and you have always had angels surround you. I know we can and will get through it, one day at a time. And you will feel better... stronger. It's going to be okay. I love you so much sweet girl..

Dear Ruthie,

My baby that is growing up WAY too fast. It's like your first year went by in double speed. I cannot believe you're already one. It kinda breaks my heart actually. I love that you still love to be held and you're so little I do it as much as I possibly can. You still have no hair, maybe the slightest mullet on a good day. But I love your perfectly round yummy bald head. I have loved every single second of being your mommy the past year and a week. Watching your healthy body grow and function perfectly has been such a tremendous blessing I will never again take for granted. I can't tell you how much I have enjoyed nursing you. You still want to nurse once or twice a day and I am SO sad to think about it ending. So many precious moments with you curled up next to me. As I literally poured myself into you I felt so connected to you. You are perfectly content and happy 99% of the time. You are so determined to walk, and in fact, I would say that as of today you are officially walking. The last month you have fallen on your bottom and face a hundred times a day but you always get right back up and try again. You wave bye bye and give wet open mouth kisses. You love the bath and to be outside, especially being pushed in your pink car. You get so excited when you see Benson or Bela in the morning. You love to follow them around. You like to hold little objects that fit in your hands like toothbrushes and chap stick and you will NOT let go of them. You try to do everything with them still in your hands and even though you get frustrated you don't let go of them. Sometimes you even try to eat food off your tray with your mouth if things are in your hands. It's hilarious. Trying to describe to you how sweet you are to me is impossible.. I wish I could just hold you for hours and breathe you in and bury my head in your cheeks and neck. I'm kinda glad you're bald and tiny...it makes me feel like you're still my baby for a little longer..

Feels good to get that down..

Night!