Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Not so good to be back

Bela is finally in the cath lab. She woke up this morning with yellow snot dried all over her face. I seriously couldn't believe it. The morning of her cath... of course. So I texted our NP and still came, knowing there was the possibility we'd be sent home. It took three hours to decide, but finally her cardiologist and anethesiologist decided she was okay to go ahead with it. It has made the nervous pit in my stomach that much worse. I don't know why that had to happen today. She hasn't been sick in so long.

When we were given the go ahead they asked us if we wanted to walk her into the cath lab. I didn't know if I wanted to or not, but figured if I could be with her that much longer I'd go ahead and do it. I had no idea what I was agreeing to. When we got in there they had the gas mask ready and had me hold it on her while I was holding her. I think it might've been one of the worst experiences I've had so far in this place. Seriuosly, I was a mess after that. As she arched and fought and wondered what I was doing and why she was feeling so wierd, I had to force the mask on her face and hold down her hands. She cried out to me, mommy, mommy. It seemed to take forever, and then finally her eyes started rolling into the back of her eyelids and she stopped fighting, limp. I don't know what was worse. Fighting or how she looked when it finally took over. I NEVER again want to see her like that, or do that again. It was just horrible. I usually hand her off to a nurse crying, but now I know that that is WAY easier.

I'm trying to get ahold of myself and stop seeing what just happened in my mind. It's just crummy being back here, in this waiting room, writing about her in a procedure. It never becomes easier, somehow I know that I will never just accept that this is her life, never just be okay with it, as much as it is completely her life.

I'm reminded by her nurse that this is just a cath. I know that. But nothing is 'just a' anything when it's YOUR daughter. It's just not easy, none of it.

Her cardiologist that is doing her cath said he'd have the surgeon come in to "just to be there in case." That's not what I want to hear, but he was clear and forward with us about possible complications, and I appreciate that about him.

Tanner just said to me, aren't they supposed to page us with an update? To which I responded, well it's only been 45 minutes. And he said, longest 45 minutes of my whole life. SO glad he's here with me. He loves his little girl.

We are in the waiting room with a family waiting for their son in a 6 hour surgery and I feel for them. There is nothing like waiting during open heart surgery. I am grateful we have another year before hers.

Waiting on an update.. Will write when I get one.


Branton Family said...

Praying for you all. Brought tears to my eyes reading this. I guess it never ends. We will be back with Zach soon for his next surgery too. Stay strong. Congrats on your new little one coming soon. We are thinking of your little Bela today!

Auburn said...

oh avery! that sounds awful having to hold while she went under. what a nightmare for you. you are amazing. i am definitely glad tanner is there with you and we are praying for you guys and for good results/news from the cath!!

The Simmons Family said...

We're praying that everything goes smoothly. I always take Owen back and hold his hand, but I make the anethesiologist do the dirty work. I just sing to him. I always leave knowing that he won't remember it when he wakes up. It awful anyway.

They do always say "it's JUST a cath", but then they continue on with the possibilities of complications. It's so double sided.

(Hugs) and we're thinking of you guys today.

grandma debi said...

Everything is going to be fine. The worst is behind you. I just can't help believe that HF knew everything would be fine or I never would have felt o.k. about coming back to Brasil, viu? It'll be fine. te amo muito, maezinha

Ali said...

oh im so glad you're posting, and so sorry you had to be the one to put her under! geez, I can't imagine. lots of love.

Anonymous said...

Once again you are the "WOMAN". Thanks for blogging so we can know instead of just worrying. We are thinking of you send our love and prayers. Love Carl and Mickie

Mimi said...

I had no idea you guys were going through this right now. You're in our thoughts and prayers. My heart breaks thinking of her in that state, but I'm so glad she came out of it all on top.
What a sweet little girl with such a strong will for life! Keep strong and let me know if I can help with Benson ever. Toms would love to have him over to play!!!

Melodie said...

I've been without internet access for about 3 months. I'm so outta the loop. I had no idea you were expecting!, and I had no idea about Bela's cath. Thanks for posting, your blog made me cry. Bela is such a little fighter. and you're such a good mommy. btw: duly noted--don't go back with Scarlett when they put her under. Thanks for the head's up!

Jules said...

I've SOOOO been there. They let me hold Hannah once while she went under for a procedure and I will never forget it. While I was glad I was there for her, it was so traumatic on me. The jerking and stiffening and fighting before they succomb is pretty intense. Not fun for a mom (or dad). Much easier to do the hand off!!! *not that handing her off is easy, you know what I mean...*

So glad she did so well and that they were able to open her aorta a good amount. Bela continues to be in our prayers. I'd love to chat with you sometime if you ever feel like it! Hannah is 8 1/2 now and doing great--- on GH and being closely monitored by cardiology as we wait for her aortic replacement. But full of life and spunk as these special girls are! We are lucky to have them!
Love, Julie (Wendy's cousin)