Sunday, August 8, 2010

Thoughts..

The week of the 11th has come.. darn it. Bela's cath is on Wednesday. When everyone else will be sending their kids off to their first day of school, we'll be sending her off to the cath lab.
Today I was so grateful for church. I'm grateful to start the week off with it every week, but especially this week. Although I tried to make a comment in Relief Society about Wednesday, I'm not sure anything really came across. I wasn't even emotional thinking about what I'd say, but as soon as I started to talk, I couldn't get anything out. I think it was the first time I'd actually put it into words to anyone but Tanner. All the sudden I felt so scared. And then there were so many great friends that wanted to know more about it, what was going on, how they could help, what they could do for us. That is why I love my church. There is such a strong sisterhood of women ready to serve and help wherever needed. It was nice to get it out there. To know that maybe some of them will remember her on Wednesday and say a prayer for her. It is uplifting and helpful. I'm so worried about complications and my mind is very occupied right now. During sacrament meeting my favorite scripture was read:

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

A wonderful reminder to me. There were weeks I read it everyday.
Today we talked about the possibility of Benson going on an airplane trip with Grandma and Grandpa Milne to a cabin on a lake in Washington from Tuesday to Wednesday. Of course my mommy mind starts to think of all the possible things that could go wrong. Benson gets lost at the aiport, he falls in the lake when no one is watching, he's sad and lonely at night. I have total confidence in my in-laws, it's just what my mind does. It's so annoying. Is that normal? I wonder if I am up to having a third piece of my heart walking around and able to get hurt and feel pain. You become a mother and your heart is forever changed. You feel the most incredible amount of love and joy you never thought was possible. And because of that you are also capable of feeling pain you never thought you could feel. It's a very vulnerable feeling. That's being a parent. For me, it's doing everything you know how to do and having hope it is enough. It's realizing how much you need a loving Heavenly Father and his constant guidance.

It's 10:00 at night and through the monitor I'm listening to Bela singing 'I love you, you love me, we're a happy family" over and over. Oh she makes me smile.
There are two sides to Bela's heart. One is fragile, broken, and overworked. But then there's the part that matters, and she has got more heart than anyone I know. This month I was supposed to be watching for signs of heart failure, but all she's shown us is her happy, energetic, non-stop heart. The one that is more powerful than the broken one. You would never know that her heart is struggling.. it's just another miracle in her life.

16 comments:

Jennifer said...

Your comments were so heartfelt yesterday in RS. It took me back to the morning I sat at your kitchen table with you and your Mom the day after you found out about your unborn Bela's situation. You were amazingly strong that day and you have continued to be faithful and strong every day since. Worrying goes hand-in-hand with Mommy-ing. Thank you for your example. Miss Bela will have plenty of prayers sent to heaven on her behalf on Wednesday. She continues to beat the odds and prove she is a fighter and a miracle. Love that little girl and love her Mom too :)

Suzanne M said...

I love that analogy...having another piece of your heart walking around able to get hurt and feel pain. That is exactly how I feel about my children. I didnt know I could love 2 little human beings as much as I do. And I am a huge worry wart and would say that your fears of Benson leaving are normal...but maybe it is that I am abnormal too. I just dont know how we can NOT worry when something so precious to us has any possibility of danger. I hope Bela does well this week. Ill say a prayer for her. You are one amazing woman and I love reading your blog.

Lindsay Brummer said...

You and Bela are in our prayers. Having your heart walking around is an aching, constantly terrifying, incredibly amazing, wonderful feeling. Never can you experience more fear, more hurt, more joy, or more love. Another sweet Milne will do this world great good.

I can't even watch Bela play or laugh or... just be her sweet self without the fighting tears. She is amazing.

Dana said...

Your family is in our prayers this week. I hope to one day meet this amazing little girl. I love to read your blog - you express your self so well and you are just an amazing mom.

The Simmons Family said...

Being a mother is the most amazing, scary, exciting, blessed experience ever. I am "that" mom that has never been able to let Kamryn go away... not even for a weekend... she's 10. :) You're not paranoid!

We'll be praying for Bela on Wednesday and I hope everything goes smoothly. I pray that you will get the greenlight to continue doing what you're doing and maybe Bela can go another whole year without the Glenn! Wouldn't that be amazing?!

That was a great post Avery!

Lisa W said...

Thank you for sharing a little bit of your tender heart with us! I appreciate your sweet example of faith. Our prayers will be with Bela, her doctors and you and Tanner, as well.

Courtney said...

Wow...I wish I would have read this before I spoke to you yesterday! You are amazing Avery and so is Bela. I love reading your thoughts...so many times I need to realize how grateful I am to be a mom be able to teach my kids and how I get to watch them grow and develop, each in their own way. Bela is a fighter and she will do great! Our prayers will be with your family this week!

Rebecca said...

Praying for your sweet girl...and especially for you, friend. She is such a gift and blessing to everyone (even stranger/friends from afar)! She has touched my heart with both pieces of hers!

Congratulations on your precious third baby! I am covering you in prayer as you journey through this pregnancy, too! God is faithful!

Laurisa Ashley Whiting said...

Ave, you are so amazing. This post gave me chills. you are so strong and such an amazing example! I am So incredibly blessed to have you as my sister :) Sure love you, hope you know how wonderful you are!

Jules said...

Thinking of you and saying a prayer for Bela on Wed. For mommy too! The worry never ends, unfortunately... these special girls just come with strings to tie you to them forever!!! Our Hannah has her strings wrapped tightly around us! Be brave Bela!!
Love, Julie Sivley

-- mom to Hannah, 8 year old w/ TS and multiple CHD's (Wendy Warnick's cousin too!)

Angie Milne said...

Ave I just read this and I guess I didn't understand just how worried/scared you guys are. You and Tanner are so strong (bela too), that it's hard to remember sometimes that there's even anything wrong with her little heart, that there's anything to be worried about. We'll be keeping her in our thoughts and prayers over the next few days, let us know if there's anything we can do to help out.

I love the scripture you shared, I feel like it embodies your character to a T. Love you Ave!

Sarah said...

I hope everything goes well! I'll be thinking of you on Wednesday.

likeschocolate said...

Hugs from Georgia! Will keep Bela in our prayers tonight.

Marianne said...

Avery you are amazing! We will be praying for your family.

Wendy said...

Good luck tomorrow... we'll be praying for you!!!

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