Thoughts..

The week of the 11th has come.. darn it. Bela's cath is on Wednesday. When everyone else will be sending their kids off to their first day of school, we'll be sending her off to the cath lab.
Today I was so grateful for church. I'm grateful to start the week off with it every week, but especially this week. Although I tried to make a comment in Relief Society about Wednesday, I'm not sure anything really came across. I wasn't even emotional thinking about what I'd say, but as soon as I started to talk, I couldn't get anything out. I think it was the first time I'd actually put it into words to anyone but Tanner. All the sudden I felt so scared. And then there were so many great friends that wanted to know more about it, what was going on, how they could help, what they could do for us. That is why I love my church. There is such a strong sisterhood of women ready to serve and help wherever needed. It was nice to get it out there. To know that maybe some of them will remember her on Wednesday and say a prayer for her. It is uplifting and helpful. I'm so worried about complications and my mind is very occupied right now. During sacrament meeting my favorite scripture was read:

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

A wonderful reminder to me. There were weeks I read it everyday.
Today we talked about the possibility of Benson going on an airplane trip with Grandma and Grandpa Milne to a cabin on a lake in Washington from Tuesday to Wednesday. Of course my mommy mind starts to think of all the possible things that could go wrong. Benson gets lost at the aiport, he falls in the lake when no one is watching, he's sad and lonely at night. I have total confidence in my in-laws, it's just what my mind does. It's so annoying. Is that normal? I wonder if I am up to having a third piece of my heart walking around and able to get hurt and feel pain. You become a mother and your heart is forever changed. You feel the most incredible amount of love and joy you never thought was possible. And because of that you are also capable of feeling pain you never thought you could feel. It's a very vulnerable feeling. That's being a parent. For me, it's doing everything you know how to do and having hope it is enough. It's realizing how much you need a loving Heavenly Father and his constant guidance.

It's 10:00 at night and through the monitor I'm listening to Bela singing 'I love you, you love me, we're a happy family" over and over. Oh she makes me smile.
There are two sides to Bela's heart. One is fragile, broken, and overworked. But then there's the part that matters, and she has got more heart than anyone I know. This month I was supposed to be watching for signs of heart failure, but all she's shown us is her happy, energetic, non-stop heart. The one that is more powerful than the broken one. You would never know that her heart is struggling.. it's just another miracle in her life.