Not so good to be back

Bela is finally in the cath lab. She woke up this morning with yellow snot dried all over her face. I seriously couldn't believe it. The morning of her cath... of course. So I texted our NP and still came, knowing there was the possibility we'd be sent home. It took three hours to decide, but finally her cardiologist and anethesiologist decided she was okay to go ahead with it. It has made the nervous pit in my stomach that much worse. I don't know why that had to happen today. She hasn't been sick in so long.

When we were given the go ahead they asked us if we wanted to walk her into the cath lab. I didn't know if I wanted to or not, but figured if I could be with her that much longer I'd go ahead and do it. I had no idea what I was agreeing to. When we got in there they had the gas mask ready and had me hold it on her while I was holding her. I think it might've been one of the worst experiences I've had so far in this place. Seriuosly, I was a mess after that. As she arched and fought and wondered what I was doing and why she was feeling so wierd, I had to force the mask on her face and hold down her hands. She cried out to me, mommy, mommy. It seemed to take forever, and then finally her eyes started rolling into the back of her eyelids and she stopped fighting, limp. I don't know what was worse. Fighting or how she looked when it finally took over. I NEVER again want to see her like that, or do that again. It was just horrible. I usually hand her off to a nurse crying, but now I know that that is WAY easier.

I'm trying to get ahold of myself and stop seeing what just happened in my mind. It's just crummy being back here, in this waiting room, writing about her in a procedure. It never becomes easier, somehow I know that I will never just accept that this is her life, never just be okay with it, as much as it is completely her life.

I'm reminded by her nurse that this is just a cath. I know that. But nothing is 'just a' anything when it's YOUR daughter. It's just not easy, none of it.

Her cardiologist that is doing her cath said he'd have the surgeon come in to "just to be there in case." That's not what I want to hear, but he was clear and forward with us about possible complications, and I appreciate that about him.

Tanner just said to me, aren't they supposed to page us with an update? To which I responded, well it's only been 45 minutes. And he said, longest 45 minutes of my whole life. SO glad he's here with me. He loves his little girl.

We are in the waiting room with a family waiting for their son in a 6 hour surgery and I feel for them. There is nothing like waiting during open heart surgery. I am grateful we have another year before hers.

Waiting on an update.. Will write when I get one.