Some thoughts on a lab draw

 

Yesterday morning we went in to get some labs drawn, something she has done hundreds of times in her life, and recently about every week since transplant.  Yesterday's draw was different.  Bela always remembers which arm she used last so she always switches off arms. She pulled out her left arm, which isn't usually her easier arm, because she had just had an IV in her right arm to get some fluids on Thursday.  They tried a couple times but couldn't get her vein. I know it was hurting her because for the first time in a long time, she started to cry.  She tried so hard not to, but she couldn't stop the tears.  The technician apologized and gave her a minute before trying her right arm.  She got it right in that time but Bela just kept crying.  And I mean crying.  I had not seen that in years.  She just kept saying to her, "you've got this, almost done", as if she hadn't been getting labs weekly with no problem for months.  I knew there was so much more going on than some pain from that first attempt.  It was like she broke.  Finally. For the first time since transplant, something inside her just broke.  So I broke.  I'm sure the tech was wondering what the heck was going on with us. It was just a lab draw.  And she just tried twice.  But it was SO much more than that, and as I watched her, I knew something much bigger was going on.  When she finished we stood right outside the door in the hall and I hugged her for a long while as she continued to sob and just let it all out.  I think it surprised her.  No words were said. It just felt really big for her.  I still don't really know what all was going on for her.  Maybe it was just that sometimes it just sucks, and it was acknowledged and felt.  After a while I took her hand and we walked out, tears streaming down both our faces.  As much as it hurt to witness, I am glad she had this moment.  She has not expressed a whole lot of emotion, and is generally a girl of very few words about her thoughts and feelings.  She had also just been really sick for about 8 days, hence the home IV's, and had just started to feel a little better a few days earlier so I'm sure that was part of it.  But it felt big for her and so tender and real and I just really wanted to write it down.  

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